blood and bleeding

Pretty bad day, Saturday was. Woke up to go to BIOLAB and found blood in my underwear. Was in a rush so grabbed pad but forgot about pills. Started feeling it on the way there. Cringed. Took quiz. Left. Didn't come back. Took pills. Curled up in bed trying not to moan. Got very painful. Eventually went away. Stayed at home all day in bed.

This time it started at about 12:20; got really bad at one. Took pills at 1:15; they didn't kick in until 1:45 I believe.

I like my biolab teacher. His name is Kyle. He asked us what it was for extra credit on the quiz and I don't remember names so I put Alex.

I'm going to feel better this week. I'm going to certainly practice more. And study Italian more and write more. And do my homework and go to recitals and stuff.

College is a bit more conducive to periods. Maybe not. Only some of the classes forgive you for skipping if you are in agony and blood is coming out of your vagina. But it's not like home is a half an hour away--like it was in high school. If you have trouble here, you can go home right away, or in the next hour or so, after your class is done. At high school everything was stacked up together so if you got sick in the morning and nobody could get you you'd be stuck the rest of the dya.

Haven't been keeping track on mmc, so maybe I'll get a new account. My cycle's shifted, so the old one might not be accurate anymore. I'm not sure.

Another period. Annoying not to have the room to myself to change pads. I have to go to the bathroom for crap like that. Also for just changing clothes. Sometimes I wish there weren't room mates. I feel so gross farting and burping in the room. My crap is all over the floor. Having a period does not help. Of course they are better at everything pertaining to music. They are religious and go to church together and have bonded. I fail at bonding.

I'm not ashamed of bleeding. I talk to my friends about bleeding quite freely. It's a pity I can't feel as free with the people I live with.

There's not much of a problem with cramps. My pills are at easy access. When I get them during a class it will be a problem but not much of one because I can stagger back home directly after class, or during. And I won't miss much. College is overall better for periods than high school. It's much more convenient and forgiving.

Except I get fat and kind of sick. No energy lately. It's cold and can't bring myself to practice. I have to get over this shit.

So I had my first period at college last week. Whatever. Big deal. Somewhat of an incident though--it started when I was almost falling asleep at Clay's dorm. I had to leave because he didn't have any pads. Duh. Then I felt sick but it turned out okay. I didn't leak on anything but a few panties and that's easily remedied. My sheets are dark anyway.

I should stop chewing on my lips and fingers. It's not professional. It's not impressive.

So I woke up the night before last with a stomach ache and went to the bathroom and tried to crap but nothing much came out except when I went to wipe there was blood on the tp. So I knew my period had come and I was in for pain big-time. I was already starting to feel it.


The following is from my other lj:

Last night I got sick and it was lousy. I made a whole bunch of noise moaning in pain and getting myself water and pain relief pills. My dad and my sister complained at me. My mom helped me open the bottle of pills—I was too distracted . I didn't mean to make so much noise but I couldn't really perceive what I was doing when I was stumbling about in the darkness feeling like someone was going at me from the inside with pinking shears, and attempting to fill my brain with Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder (with some success). When in such a state you sometimes forget that moaning doesn't really help.

It hurt more than usual (it seemed to me) and I took one Naproxen Sodium but it wasn't enough and I had to take another about a half-hour later. Then I felt better and was able to sleep. The pain was excruciating and it was all I could do to keep myself from moaning "oh...oh...oh..." the entire night. I did moan it for a bit, but my sister complained.

The next day I went to Clays' house and was fine, except had an upset stomach most of the day and was tired.

So I think I've got to suppress feeling distressed and oppressed and depressed during these times because it's all totally irrational and nobody wants to hear about it.

Attempted to remove blood stains from undies with moderate success. I ought to remember the shower method sooner.

The Shower Method
Bring newly bloodied undies with you to shower.
Start up shower. Dampen undies.
Cover bloody spots with soap and rub.
Leave in an area were they will be slightly sprayed with water.
Take your shower.
Rinse them out.
They should be pretty clean.


I have stopped bothering to do this.

Also I took the 2000 question purity test and I got 89.5% pure. I had to skip all of the questions about sex because I have never had sex and a good portion of the test was about have you had sex in such and such place.

I'm in New York waiting for my period to begin. I am weighing the most I have ever weighed: 105 lbs. I don't like it, but I'm not going to go on a diet or go anorexic or exercise.

I'm prepared with my naproxen sodium, should anything happen, and some pads will be made available but this is still shitty. I've felt kind of sick, headaches, and such, and have been tired, and I'm getting yucky, hurting acne. alfdj;lakjdfa

Since I've been home lately and have had pills to deal with awful cramps, I thought I might comment on the emotional effects of menstruation, which seem to have been a bit more prominent this time.


Basically, I cried a lot. And was upset a lot.

I think that's pretty much all there is to it. I was moody with my mother and sister and they got upset and bullied me, which in turn made me more upset and caused me to cry. I was bothered when it occurred to me that Joe and Gavin were ignoring me, and decided they must be mad at me, and were purposefully ignoring me, when now I guess it seems that they were not. I went through on my iPod and purposefully played songs that would make me cry, late into the night. I was upset when Clay didn't text message me as much as I thought he should, even though then and now I am aware that he was trying not to use up all of my text messages in one go (and I am thankful to him for that).

I wasn't able to sleep. I wasn't in pain, or anything. I just wasn't able to get my mind to stop. Clay has reported insomnia to me as well, so it might have been due to the fact that he was away and unable to talk to me much. In fact, maybe all of this can be attributed to missing Clay, but it all just seems to extreme and irrational and...hormonal, or something, to be that. I knew he was coming back soon. I knew he loved me. There was no reason to be a wreck. Maybe a bit put out, or something, but certainly not a wreck.

That was like Monday night...Wednesday I got my period. PMS, I guess.

Oh, and I was a bit sore. I thought it was from sleeping positions but now I guess it was from PMS. Go figure.



Now I'm a bit better--I've got my period and my boyfriend is back!


There's some motown song called "My boyfriend's back." It is not, of course, about the boy's back. Even though I could write a song about that, because I massaged it yesterday and caused him to break down in giggles.



This is the actual song, which has nothing to do with anything that has been going on. The only boy I saw while Clay was gone was Jonathan.

THE ANGELS lyrics - "My Boyfriend's Back"
(Robert Feldman, Gerald Goldstein and Richard Gottehre)

[Spoken:]
He went away and you hung around
And bothered me, every night
And when I wouldn't go out with you
You said things that weren't very nice

My boyfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble
(Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back)
You see him comin' better cut out on the double
(Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back)
You been spreading lies that I was untrue
(Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back)
So look out now cause he's comin' after you

(Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back)
(Hey, he knows that you been tryin')
(And he knows that you been lyin')

He's been gone for such a long time
(Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back)
Now he's back and things'll be fine
(Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back)
You're gonna be sorry you were ever born
(Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back)
Cause he's kinda big and he's awful strong
(Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back)

(Hey he knows I wasn't cheatin'!)
(Now you're gonna get a beatin'!)

(What made you think he'd believe all your lies?)
(Wah-ooo, wah-ooo)
(You're a big man now but he'll cut you down to size
(Wah-ooo, wait and see)

My boyfriend's back he's gonna save my reputation
(Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back)
If I were you I'd take a permanent vacation
(Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back)

Yeah, my boyfriend's back
(La-day-la, my boyfriend's back)
Look out now, yeah, my boyfriend's back
(La-day-la, my boyfriend's back)
I could see him comin'
(La-day-la, my boyfriend's back)
So you better get a runnin'
(La-day-la, my boyfriend's back)
Alright now
(La-day-la, my boyfriend's back)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(La-day-la, my boyfriends's back)
My boyfriend's back now
(La-day-la, my boyfriend's back)

[Fades]

Know he's comin' after you
(La-day-la, my boyfriend's back)
Because he knows I've been true now...

I am actually writing this in June, so I don't have that great a memory of all that happened, but this occurred on May 10th:

All of this occurred on the second to last day of school for me, so I should have been going about getting signatures for my yearbook and such.

I started feeling pretty bad walking to school. I was walking all by myself, which I was depressed about in itself. I was also kind of angry. And maybe avoiding people on purpose.

When I was in first period, I sort of knew that I was getting cramps and my period had started. All I had were two very thin tampons, and I didn't think they had much of an ability to get me through the day. Besides I was of the idea that tampons would aggravate the cramps.

We weren't doing anything in first period. Some people were talking to each other. None of my friends had come. I sat by myself and tried to read about Mozart's operas but couldn't concentrate. So I made the trip to the bathroom and discovered I indeed had my period. It was kind of difficult to smuggle the tampons into the bathroom. My stomach was, of course, contributing to discomfort. So I had to time it in hopes that nobody else would be in there.

I decided it would get better. So I stayed still and read about Mozart's operas. I did feel a bit better by the end of first period, but then came the walk across campus to third. It was just awful. I started feeling very hot and very faint. I knew that as soon as I got to class I would have to ask Doctor Lawton to leave. Of course when I got there, he wasn't there yet. He nearly always gets there after me unless I'm late. So I draped myself over the desk, informed Joe, Joe, or Chris I wasn't feeling well (I can't remember which) and waited for Dr. Lawton to show up. When he did, I got the permission, and then I went to the clinic's.

The regular nurse wasn't there; luckily this time there was a substitute who could help me. I told her of my plight, and she allowed me to call my grandparents to get me. My grandmother answered the phone, and informed me that my grandfather was at the drugstore, and as soon as he came home, they would come and get me, my grandmother not being much of a driver; besides, he had the car. Then I hung up, told the nurse what she had said, and informed her that I was about to throw up. She directed me to a bathroom, and I threw up in it. Luckily into a toilet. I cleaned up the stuff with a paper towel but was concerned about sanitation so informed the sub-nurse. It was so gross. I hate throwing up. I smelled it in my nose for the next three hours.

Then I got a cot to lay on while I waited for my grandparents. Naturally they took ages and ages. Well, my grandfather had gone to the drugstore with his cousin, Gaitano, and not being aware that there was any reason to rush home, probably had a bit of a good time with him. Maybe went out to lunch or whatever.

Gianni came in because of diabetes and we said hi. I told him I wasn't feeling well. Italian was in progress at this point--period 5, which we were both supposed to be in.

I was, again, beginning to feel better by the time my grandparents came. But I couldn't have let them drive all the way to school for nothing, and anyway, THROWING UP IS A DAMNED GOOD REASON TO GET A DAY OFF. Under no circumstances should someone through up and go to school in the same day.



My grandparents took me home and brought me wonton soup! And that was my day.